Thursday, January 30, 2014

That is What I Should Do

What are you living for, exactly? 

To see more, do more? 

Perhaps your ambition is to do less, weigh less.  (I can relate.)

That's all fine. 

But what is your purpose?

To see your children grow. I have told myself that is my purpose. But everyone does that, don't they? That's not my purpose, then. It's just a purpose.

Many of faith will answer with a purpose rooted in service to a deity. But if everyone of the faith has the purpose of service, it can't be your singular purpose. It's a shared purpose.

What is it about you that is necessary?

I ask myself that without answer. 

I squeeze myself into purpose after purpose, helping, trying, pushing. 


I have great success in many of these square holes. But I am the peg.

I find my joy in places where others have tested to arrive. I don't belong there, not really.

And as I sit waiting for enlightenment to arrive the clock ticks away from me on day after day of my purpose insolvency. 

The funny thing is, I have no malaise or distaste about it. I'm rather fine plodding along doing what I'm doing.

 I find I just prefer comfortable shoes. 

Perhaps this is the wisdom that comes with my age. And my purpose is to know that and nothing more.

In the end, it is my ambition to seek peace and enjoy it with others. I'll keep at that until my purpose presents and I shall hope not to be too worn or weary to retrieve it and see it borne.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Had. It.

Have so had it. With Benghazi. With CPS. With my fat self. Have had it.

Have had it with government officials who seriously - really - don't get it. Have had it with lethargic, disinterested, non-voting constituents who constantly complain but do nothing about anything. Have had it with virtual interest instead of real interest. Have had it with laziness and unwillingness to try.

Have had it with game-playing and chess-maneuvering and name-dropping and all that crapola.

Have beyond had it with lack of fairness and fair-mindedness. Have had it with "what's good for me is good for me and screw you". Have also had it with getting screwed.

Have had it with having to defend every decision I make, every failure I repeat, every error I cannot correct. Have had more than enough of feeling like I'm ruining my children because of all these things.

Have had it with being tired but never having done enough to feel I deserve rest.

Have had it with everyone else arguing the point just for the sake of arguing the point when we all know the point is freaking moot. There is no point!

Have had it with people saying to me "at your age...". When I was a teenager everything was because of my age. When I was in my 20s everything was because of my age. Ditto toddler and younger years. So now that I've reached the age where I say "at your age" to other people (because, in fact, they are whatever it is they are because of their ages) I don't want anyone to say to me "at your age". GACK!

As a result of my age, I've also recently come to have had it with being hot, cold, itchy, sweaty, clammy, blinky, frizzy and fat. (Fatter than usual, which frankly, I'd already had it with.)

I hate dirty dishes and folding the whites and picking little fricking fuzzies off my floor.

I hate being impotent and voiceless and stripped.

I wish I could make my mom feel better and relieve my in-laws and assure some security for my family and calm my own damn self.

I have so totally had it.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Letters to the Editors... Sort Of.

Dear Sizes That Should Not Fit Me -- Please don't be offended, but I'd rather we not hug so tightly. It's making Smaller Sizes uncomfortable.

Dear Crappy Weather -- I'm glad we had this chance to visit but I'm afraid it's time for you to go. Seasonal Depression needs a ride home.

Dear National News Media -- You are the last of the civilized world to be shocked, SHOCKED, that government officials abuse power and have sex. You should get Out More. It'll do you good.

Dear Future Mayoral Candidates in Chicago -- We can overlook Corruption and Incompetence. We've even been known to appreciate a little Arrogance and Nepotism. But we don't do Slush. Paste this to your campaign headquarters' wall: It's About the Snow Plowing, Stupid.

Dear Chicago High Schools, public, charter or otherwise -- What high school did Winston Churchill go to? Ghandi? Mother Theresa? Anyone anyone cares about? Right. So settle down over there. You're getting a little Full of Yourselves.

Dear Heretofore Unknown Parts of My Body that Ache -- Swell of you to make yourself known. (Get it? Swell? I thought you might need help with that one...)

Dear Dinner -- You, like Unmade Bed and Laundry, need to become more self-sufficient. Or work together!  Look how Chubby Thighs and Hunger work as a team. Try that!

Dear Clock -- You've made me Late again. Let's keep that Between Us, ok? I'll just blame the Current Mayor for the traffic.