If I Wrote The Speech

So I've been watching all the harp on Melania Trump's speech and its failure to deliver both honest and interesting detail about her own experience or her husband's character qualifications for the presidency. To prove that it's really not that hard, and as a practice for my future life, I offer you my suggestion for what could have been an epic speech, no plagiarism needed...

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for your gracious welcome and for the enthusiasm you've brought to this event. Our family is excited to be here but, unlike Donald who is always so confident, I'm a little surprised to be here, too. I had many dreams growing up, but I never pictured being the wife of the Republican nominee for President of the United States and I have never before addressed millions of people.

Outside the spectacle of this arena, I'm running a business, taking care of my family, and doing my best to raise my son in challenging times. I know that my good fortune eases many of my burdens, but the mothers in this room know that all children have pain, and all parents have worries, and money doesn't solve everything. When we talked about Donald's plans to run for the presidency, I thought first about my son, about all of our children and grandchildren, and how this would affect them.

I also thought about the broader context of what is best for our country, what is best for the future of our children, and all children. The truth is I don't know much about global economics or military strategy, so I can't speak to those issues. I don't know much about how my husband's businesses run either. I imagine those in this room who are married to dentists and plumbers and shoemakers don't know all the inner-workings of their spouse's jobs. We don't need to know those things, however, to know whether our spouses would be good at something, maybe even great. Because what we know about our partners is what kind of people they are, what matters to them, and what qualities they bring to any situation.

So I know this about my husband: he is loud and arrogant and bossy and incredibly foolish sometimes. He can be bull-headed and hard. Sometimes, I just shake my head when he talks. (laugh line) But I think those things are obvious. What the TV shows don't tell you is that he can also be surprising, kind, thoughtful, and generous. He is extremely intelligent and quick to learn new things, even at his age. (laugh line) He is a good and loyal friend, a compassionate boss, a hard-working partner, and a devoted father. He has been a loving and honorable husband, sincere and romantic. Even though I am not his first wife I am quite sure I am his last. We love each other very much.

Throughout our courtship and marriage, Donald has made it clear that his children from prior marriages are a priority in his life, as are the families of his children, including in-laws. He has not forgotten any member of his or our extended families. You can learn a lot about a person from the children they raise and in this respect, my husband and his former wives should be very proud of the talented, accomplished, and wonderful young men and women they have parented together. (applause line) I feel extremely fortunate to have them as role models for my son.

Outside of his family life, Donald has lifelong friends who know him to be a good man, funny, and warm. We often host people in our home, which to many is lavish, but to us is a place where we gather with friends, share meals, have great conversations, and celebrate. Donald and I have traveled the world together and he always amazes me with how much he knows about and appreciates other cultures, foods, and customs. Never, as his wife, have I felt that my nationality or my experiences as an immigrant were fodder for ridicule or disdain. On the contrary, I think Donald knows and appreciates that I am living the American dream, and that is something to be enjoyed and celebrated. (cheer)

In fact, I think that's one of the things that has inspired him to run in this election. The American dream seems a little faint right now. People are struggling, young men and women don't feel connected to pathways that will lead to success, children are being raised in communities that seem hopeless and tired, we're always hearing about violence amongst ourselves and with those who set out to protect us. That's not what America is about, not at all.

When Donald talks about making American great again, he's not talking about racism or sexism. He's talking about making the American ideal a reality again, and making the American dream attainable again. (cheer) He's talking about resurrecting the structures and systems that allow a young girl from a small town in Slovenia to dream big, pursue her ambitious, and succeed beyond her wildest imagination. He's talking about giving you a chance to compete against anyone in the world with your country behind you one hundred percent, giving you the tools and resources and encouragement you need to succeed. He's talking about not letting others in the world bully us with fear tactics wrapped in religion so that we feel compelled to proceed with caution, where bold action is required instead. He's talking about reminding us that while others in the world may be great, and many are, we are great and we don't need to apologize for that. We are great. We are. (chant line) He is talking about making sure that diplomacy does not come at the expense of our nation's best interests, about making sure that the deals favor us, or at the very least don't cheat us. Let others prioritize themselves. We need to put America first. (chant line)

So I know my husband and I are not the conventional candidate and wife. I think, frankly, we've seen enough of conventional candidates for a while. (cheer) I think it's time to let someone else have a try. Someone who has a global perspective and a nationalist ideology, and not a self-serving political agenda. Someone who is unafraid to take a big bite. Someone who believes we can still do great things, because we are a great people. We are great, don't forget that. I believe my husband will be a great leader, that he is the man best suited to be the President of the United States at this time in our nation's history and he will make America great again. I thank you for the opportunity to address you this evening, God bless you, and God bless our great country.