I'm Trying Not to Curse In Writing

Why for flowers' sake can't the government - at any level - do its job? I hire people to work in the government by my vote. I provide feedback via my voice and my choices and I evaluate my government representatives on their performances by my observation. My observation is that they suck pink petunias.

The federal government is engaged in a childish repartee on just about every issue of import which can be boiled down to: 'If you're not on the red team I'm not going to let you play with my jump rope' and 'If you're not on the blue team I'm going to tell everybody you eat your boogers'. That makes about as much sense as pickles do.

My state government is so defunct they won't even show up to work anymore. The strategy there? 'I know you are but what am I?'. The employment of that strategy is about all the two sides have in common and, for that matter, about all the employment they give a solid whit about anyway. So smart, then, that most of those microphone-dandruff factories ended up running uncontested in the primaries.

Locally, my city government operates like the storyline in a twisted Cat in the Hat, without the playful Thing 1 and Thing 2 to entertain. 'I stole from you here to pay for them there. The money's not in this pot and we're not sure where. You can suck it up or take your lumps. No other choices, you sniveling chumps.' Someone ought to give the job back to the fish.

The government is supposed to work for me. It's supposed to consider the green-goodness nominee for the supreme court and vote. It's supposed to implement a mother-flapping budget that does the best it can with the resources its got. It's supposed to fund the feather-loving public schools and make sure our kids have qualified teachers with all the plum-picking materials they need to teach.

None of the bug-catchers in government are doing any of that sunshine but they are all still getting paid.

So what to do? I'm asked often if I could or would run for public office. I've considered it, I won't lie. But first - I actually stunk it up pretty good when I was responsible for a small community organization not too long ago. Turns out I am no better than purple crayons at building consensus among warring factions. I don't have the patience? (I was shocked, as I'm sure you are.)

And second - and more importantly - I honestly don't think I could be incompetent enough to get along with all these spoiled, self-serving, low-ambition, uninspired thumbtacks who currently work as public servants. I'd have to stop working myself. I'd have to bloviate endlessly about how other people were making it hard for me to get off my lazy, well-dressed-on-the-public-dime duffle bag to do something. Anything!

So in protest, I'm about to not work on Friday so I can put on a red shirt and walk around in circles trying to get these these lower-than-wet-lint-intellect, full-time bunters to notice that I'm ticked so that they'll do their jobs. Do you love this? I'm doing nothing to get them to notice that nothing's getting done. I've become a character in the mother-flowering-good-for-nothing comic book that is our government's profile page! This is why every-pumpkin-loving-thing is so full of caterpillar doodle! Because we have to not make sense in order to communicate with the people we hired to make sense of things in the first place. What the broken-milk-carton sense does that make??

I think I'm just going to go back to cursing.