Excerpts from the conversations we might have if some folks had their way:
Via walkie talkie, Jim: (crackle) Phil, we’re gonna need some cones down here, pronto.
Via walkie talkie, Phil: (crackle) Cones?
Jim: Yah. We’re gonna need a bunch. We’re shuttin’ some stuff down. Gonna need some cones.
Phil: How many?
Jim: A bunch. All of ‘em. Just send down what you got.
Phil: Well, I got Norm up here but he’s workin’ on somethin’ and that dang Harold ain’t showed up to work. Again! So I’m gonna need some time to get stuff to you.
Jim (frustrated, shouting): Dang it, Phil. I need some cones. I need ‘em now. We’re shuttin’ down the Muslims and I need some dang cones.
Phil (frustrated, shouting too): Well right now Norm's tryin’ to finish level 169 but he can only get one of the apples down to the bottom before he gets killed so he’s trying to buy more lives on Facebook. He's on break. You know I can't take him off break so you gotta wait.
Jim (disgusted, to himself): Are you freaking kidding me?
Via walkie talkie, Jim: (crackle) DAN! You need to hold back that line, brother. We’re waiting on a level to be completed before we get the cones. It could be a while.
Dan (frantic): A level?
Allen, to his sister: They’re shutting down the Muslims. Finally! A President with some tacones.
Marjorie, his sister (smirking): The Muslims? I thought you were pissed at the Iraqis?
Allen: Naw. There’s Christians over there. Muslims, Marjorie. Iranians. Afghanistan. Those people are terrorists.
Marjorie (bemused): Afghanistan?
Allen: Don’t you watch the news? This last President nearly got us all killed by shutting that down. Now the Chinese are over there! Betcha this one’s going back over there to finish the job. The Afghanis started this whole thing. He’ll just bomb the shit out of them, shut it right down. Totally and completely.
Marjorie: Oh I don’t think he’ll do that.
Allen: Oh really now? And why’s that Miss Smarty?
Marjorie: Because Afghanistan is a strategic hub in Central Asia at the crossroads of pipeline routes through Russia, China, and Iran, and has major oil and gas reserves. It also has huge mineral wealth as well as untapped natural gas reserves, all of which have been estimated at over a trillion dollars in value. In fact, five years ago the New York Times reported that the amount of iron, copper, cobalt, gold and critical industrial metals like lithium are so big there and include so many minerals that are essential to modern industry, that Afghanistan could eventually be transformed into one of the most important mining centers in the world. He’s not going to bomb the shit out of Afghanistan.
Allen (shouting): Have you been watching that DAMN public television again? Goddammit, Marjorie, I told you that was a communist station! You know they’re all communist over there, right? You’re a communist, Marjorie! Mom and Dad are rolling over!
Ned, over the fence to his neighbor Ron: That's that for that Shariah law bullcrap. They're shutting it down.
Ron: Shariah? Is that the gal with the hips?
Pauline, to her husband J.C. (from the kitchen): Arlo’s got that fever coming back again but I’m not sure what to do.
J.C. (from the den): Well call the doctor, first. Let’s see what he says.
Pauline: I did. He’s not there.
J.C. (walking to the kitchen): What? Why?
Pauline (unloading the dishwasher): He was sent back.
J.C.: What? What are you talking about?
Pauline (loading): He’s Muslim, Jackson. They shut down the Muslims so he had to go back.
J.C.: Where’s he from?
Pauline (rinsing): I believe he’s from Boone County. Didn’t he go to school with Debbie? His folks were from Ohio though…
J.C.: So they sent him to Ohio? What sense does that make?
Pauline (mildly annoyed): I’m not sure. I think they sent him to Pakistan.
J.C. (incredulous): PAKISTAN?? My God! You can’t do that. You can’t do that!
Pauline (back to loading): You can now.
J.C. (shaking his head): I can’t believe that. I can’t believe it. That’s awful. God. We have to do something. I’ll run down to the pharmacy and get something for Arlo and then we can talk about what we can do.
Pauline: Don’t bother.
Pauline (looking up): The pharmacist was Muslim.
Via walkie talkie, Jim: (crackle) Phil, how are we doing on those cones?
Jim: Phil. The cones?
Jim: Phil. For God’s sake man, I got Muslims up the yang down here and Dan is starting to sweat curry. For the love of apples will you get me some dang cones?
Via walkie talkie, Norm: (crackle) Uh Jim?
Jim: Norm, that you? Geezus H Christ. What is going on up there?
Norm: Phil’s on break. I’ll have him call you when he’s back. I’m still trying to get this apple down.
Via walkie talkie, Jim: DAN! You gotta hold that line, brother.
Braydon, to his mom: Maaaaam. Maaaam. Maaaam.
Mom: Yes, Braydon. One time, honey. One time is enough.
Braydon: Mom, can Ali come over?
Mom: I don’t think so, sweeheart.
Braydon: What? Whyyyyy? Why? Maaam. Maaam. Why? Just for a little while??
Mom (kneeling): Honey. Ali’s family is moving, so he won’t be able to come over.
Braydon: What? WHY?
Mom: Well, it’s complicated. Ali’s family is a little different than ours and some of the things they believe are different and the President decided that maybe they should move. To keep us safe.
Bryadon: WHAT? Oh my God! Are they doing that with EVERYbody?
Mom: No, honey, no no. It’s o.k. We are safe. We are not moving. Only people who think very differently than we do.
Braydon: Oh my God. This is the worst news. Is he already gone? Is Davis? I have to check on Davis.
Mom: Davis? No honey, Davis is not moving.
Braydon: He is! He is moving!
Mom: No. What? Why?
Braydon (running out the door): He is a MARLINS fan! I have to stop him!
Via walkie talkie, Jim: (crackle) Phil? Phil, you can forget about the cones.
Via walkie talkie, Phil: (crackle) Alright, princess, settle down. I’m sending Norm down now with the cones and Harold just walked in so you should have ‘em in a few minutes.
Jim: Never mind now, just send ‘em back up.
Phil: What? Why?
Jim: The Muslims are leaving of their own free will.
Jim: Yah - something about wanting to live in a free country, freedom from discrimination, an open society… I don’t know.
Phil: Hah! Jokes on them. This is the only free country in the world. Where do they think they are going?