Friday, August 9, 2013

Am I Getting Old?

As you age do you become more absolute or more flexible? More judgmental or more accepting? I feel like I'm surrounded by very bold behavior, attitudes, politics and the more surrounded I get by noise, the duller the sound, to the point where I can't hear anything except the thoughts in my own head, and they make no sense.

'TIF money for education? Why, hell yes! ((Psst... What is a TIF?))'

'Shoes? Yes, you need schools for shoes. No, wait, that's not right.'

It's all white noise. I may think any one thing is completely insane and develop a mental manifesto on all things crazy about it, but by the time I open my mouth to express myself, ten new nutty things happen. It's gotten so that even though I have strong opinions generally, the force of multiple convictions tested all at once leaves me exhausted before I do anything about them.

Also, now that I've lived some bit of this life I realize I've gotten awfully heated over the years over some pretty petty stuff. My life is still a mess, still wonderful, still hard and tiring, still blessed and beautiful. So was it necessary to get so heated? Or could I have remained calm and been more measured and still moved forward.

Am I absolutely right? Or is someone else also right? Could we both have a point?

The vigor and attention span of the forces outside of me also seem to be in direct opposition to one another, and to what's really important. Martin Luther King-like indignity is applied to the outcome of The Bachelor, while we offer the conviction of a sun-soaked ice cube to real issues of pain, suffering and injustice. I've begun to realize it's foolish to get all worked up over nonsense only to be the last man standing with a mic and a poster when everyone's moved on to something else.

It's my experience with retrospective assessment that gives me pause - or maybe it's the fact that I'm pausing to gain retrospective vision. I think I'm getting old.

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