Thursday, July 15, 2010

Keeping It Real? Uh. No.

Been having tantrums in my head for the past several weeks. "It's not fair!" I've stormed petulantly in my head. "I don't waaannnna," I've whined. "How come it's always meeee?" I mourn. Now, it could just be that I'm channeling the thoughts expressed around me all day long, as I juggle my not-in-camp-for-the-summer children, along with (Thank God!) enough work to keep us busy and the usual melange of stuff.

But it's not that. If I'm being really honest with myself it's not mimic tantruming. It's original. I own it.

Of course, if I were being really honest with you I'd say it's not that easy to be really honest with myself. It's easier to assert that I've scraped off enough levels of the protective ice coating (inside joke with myself - have you ever seen the move "Mother" with Debbie Reynolds? hysterical) to say that I'm being really honest. But that's bull. Real honesty is painful and leaves you raw and too open to attack.

Real honesty would include admitting that I'm addicted to things that are bad for me - take it easy slugger, I'm talking about food and coffee and things that come over the counter - because somewhere in there I don't think I deserve all the good things I have in my life. I'm afraid someone will tap me on the shoulder and tell me I've been standing in the wrong line and need to get my unqualified butt into the longer line with the misfit toys from that horrible Christmas cartoon. So I damage myself as punishment for my perceived crime. That's some crazy business, isn't it?
Real honesty would be saying that I write what I feel because no matter how vocal I am in real life, the fact is I hold back. I'm too chicken to fully express my less rehearsed self in 3-D. And I don't think people should listen to me because maybe I don't know what the heck I'm saying. So I put it on paper (even virtual paper) so it can be expressed but quietly so it can be ignored. Except I don't want to be ignored. I want to be noticed. But not really. And that's crazy too, isn't it?
Real honesty would be to finally cast my line, even if I don't catch my dream, just because telling my kids to do it isn't enough, I have to show them. I have to be fearless and confident so they can see that the pursuit is just as valuable as the catch. I have to do that but I don't. I am afraid, so I don't.

Yeah. So. That real honest thing? I'm not there yet.

So let's say, even at the qasi-honest level I know the tantrums are my own. The mom in me is also on a loop reprimanding me for my poor behavior, making the whole thing a sitcom in my head. It's no wonder my hair is curly. The follicles must be running in circles looking for an exit.

I can't say what I'm tantrumming about because part of my mission going forward on this subject is to show some restraint. I'm not off to a terrific start, but I am a strong believer in the pick yourself up, dust yourself off, etc. method of making progress. So I won't blather on and on about what it is. Suffice to say I'm so dang tired of the subject I've long run out of patience and diplomacy and willingness to have meaningful dialogue. I'd like everyone to just do what I say and agree that everything I think is totally perfect and great. In fact, I'd like everyone to just move over and let me handle it. I know I can't move things like global economies and governments at the wave of a hand, but I'd really like to. A lot. And my immobility and incapacity for making others move out of their obstructionist stances is making me dang cranky!

And I don't want to wait!

And I don't want to act my age!

I want what I want right NOW!

Maybe, if I'm being really honest, what I need is a nap. Does anyone have a blanky?

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