Random is as Random Does

A few random thoughts of the less vitriolic kind than previously expressed:

When everyone else in my generation hears the word 'ditty' do they start instantly humming "A little ditty. About Jack and Diaaaaane. Two American kids growin' up. In the heartland."?

If I wasn't fat when I was younger, because I see pictures and can objectively say now that there's no way I was fat then even though I thought I was fat, then am I actually fat now or am I just as thin and think I'm fat like I did before? (Clearly, yes, I am fat now, but it's fun to fantasize!)

Why do you have to ask for water at nice restaurants? I get it at McDonald's. But at a $30-an-entree gig? No. If the point is to not waste, give me a small glass of water and buzz off. I hate having to ask for water.

Along those lines, does everyone who goes into a restaurant critique everything from the pattern on the rug to the flavor of butter in the dessert? Or is it just me? (Is this blogging thing supposed to be interactive?)

Ever notice how you never notice a certain kind of car until you know someone who has that car and then every car that's even remotely like that car catches your eye? That does happen to other people, right?

Guys should not wear glossy lip balms, straight or not.

Am I the only one contemplating cashing in all my chips (worth approximately dog drool) and moving to some po-dunk town in a rural community to just S L O W D O W N? I probably couldn't stand it for more than a month, but I wonder how good that month'd be.

Are pocket-coin jangly people aware that they are incredibly annoying? Gaaaahd.

Our company colors are blue and white. Our office is decorated in 80s pine green and fancy-lady-pants' beige. I'm going to go ahead and own the fact that I'm the only one who finds this annoying. But it is and others should be annoyed.

I want to suggest that my kids' school add 'musical productions' to their music-instruction program. I was playing Hangman with a group of kids and none of them had heard of 'Oklahoma!' or 'West Side Story' although one of them wanted to know if Zac Efron was in that last one. You don't know 'surrey with the fringe on top'? Is it just me? I should probably stop asking that question.

I love apple-baked things, don't you? Mmmmmm.

When my mom says, "whippersnaappers" is she putting me on? Or is she serious?

At what point do I have to stop proving to people that I am -blank- enough? Smart enough? Cuban enough? Mom-ish enough? I'm so tired of being tested on that crap. I get some answers wrong, I don't know every Cuban saying and sometimes I'm a terrible mom. Satisfied?

I can never decide when its too late in the season to stop wearing socks. I think it's too late now, but I couldn't find any socks to wear. Behind on laundry. See terrible mom reference above.

That guy David Schuester on MSNBC is having a good laugh at all our expenses given that he hasn't been laughed off the airwaves for using the 'mock journalist voice' as his everyday voice. Nobody really talks like that, or jutts out his chin and sucks in his lips like that. It's a put-on and I'm ON TO YOU David Schuester!

My kids are on this track right now where they ask me 'what's the -blank- you ever -blank?' So, things like 'the worst day you ever had?' or 'the best joke you ever heard?' I've found these questions near-impossible to answer. I wonder why I don't know my absolutes.

Ever since Tony got a ticket for turning before coming to a complete stop my kids yell 'ROLLING STOP!' every time I come to a stop sign. Makes me want to jump out of the car and scream 'ROLLING (something else)!!' Again, just me?

Also, the 'punch buggy' thing bugs me because I just don't have the hand-eye-mouth coordination necessary to compete effectively. Survival of the fittest is totally fixed against me.

I don't mind the Christmas decos in the stores this year -even though I think they started in June. The colors are festive, makes the stores look alive - unlike Halloween decos which are, I'm sorry, yicky. Seeing the stores look so upbeat makes me think 'somebody must be happy'. Someone else being happy makes me happy. And that makes me happy.

BTW, look at the carpet in nice restaurants and tell me they don't all use Christmas colors in their patterns. They do! They do it to make you happy! It's an industry-wide practice. (So does this work on non-Christians? Put that on your tree and light it!) And now that you're thinking about that, you'll check the carpets all the time and I won't seem like such a nut when I do it. Hah!

I thought about ending on that silly little item and then this occurred to me: 'If that gal doesn't stop laughing I'm going to stab her.'

It is me talking, after all.