Letters to the Editors... Sort Of.

Dear Sizes That Should Not Fit Me -- Please don't be offended, but I'd rather we not hug so tightly. It's making Smaller Sizes uncomfortable.

Dear Crappy Weather -- I'm glad we had this chance to visit but I'm afraid it's time for you to go. Seasonal Depression needs a ride home.

Dear National News Media -- You are the last of the civilized world to be shocked, SHOCKED, that government officials abuse power and have sex. You should get Out More. It'll do you good.

Dear Future Mayoral Candidates in Chicago -- We can overlook Corruption and Incompetence. We've even been known to appreciate a little Arrogance and Nepotism. But we don't do Slush. Paste this to your campaign headquarters' wall: It's About the Snow Plowing, Stupid.

Dear Chicago High Schools, public, charter or otherwise -- What high school did Winston Churchill go to? Ghandi? Mother Theresa? Anyone anyone cares about? Right. So settle down over there. You're getting a little Full of Yourselves.

Dear Heretofore Unknown Parts of My Body that Ache -- Swell of you to make yourself known. (Get it? Swell? I thought you might need help with that one...)

Dear Dinner -- You, like Unmade Bed and Laundry, need to become more self-sufficient. Or work together!  Look how Chubby Thighs and Hunger work as a team. Try that!

Dear Clock -- You've made me Late again. Let's keep that Between Us, ok? I'll just blame the Current Mayor for the traffic.